*EDIT* It is 4:15 a.m and I am not the least bit sleepy. Will someone PLEASE tell my brain to shut down so I can drift happily into lala land?!?!

Not much has changed here. I am still unhappy as ever. I have been spending alot of quiet time to myself trying to sort things out. I did not call my sister. Part of me thinks that if I fall on her it will not help me to stand on my own two feet. I know that I want out, I know that I am unhappy what I am unsure of is the next step I need to take. In some ways I think I need to sort some things out before I up and leave on the other hand I say screw it just get out.

He has tried a few times to be nice and affectionate but it's too little too late. I know that may sound harsh and alot of people will think I should be happy he is trying to do better but, I have been through this so many times and know that his actions are simply a way of temporarily smoothing things over. I have completely shut myself off from him and do not want to be touched in any way.

I know it has to get worse before it can get better and I know the best is yet to come. I would love to say that we can both be adults and go our seperate ways but I do not see that happening with him.

In some of my alone time ( I was home all day yesterday from 6 a.m until 8 p.m and it was completely quiet, no tv, no music) I have thought about the kids and the decisions I am making. I know that in the long run we will all be better off.

Being with him for the past 11 years, I do still have a bit of a soft spot in my heart for him. I hate the thought of him being alone and not having a family to come home to but I also hate the thought of me being unhappy any longer.

How do I know I am making the right choice? I guess there really isnt a way to know. Just jump in feet first and go for it huh?