sassigirll26's Xanga

Monday, August 14, 2006

Mon, 14 Aug 2006 23:42:39 GMT

A new school year began today for the students. The teachers returned last week. This morning standing in the rotunda I saw a mixture of emotions on the faces of children and parents. One mother of a new kindergartener was crying as she walked out, many parents of the older children had huge smiles as they walked out. Lucky ducks I thought to myself. I work at a school where many of the mothers stay at home during the day so the first day of school is quite exciting for them I am sure!

The morning was a bit bittersweet for me. My youngest dd started her first day of 5th grade. After this year she will move on to the middle school. I am happy she is growing up, after all she does dress and feed herself and was ready for school this morning before I even woke up. While she will be entering middle school my oldest dd will experience her first year of high school next year. Oh my!! She was fluttering with nerves on the ride to school this morning. Then, she began laughing at herself. She said “ya know mom this is really silly. I can understand being nervous on your first day of kindergarten but I am in 8th grade” She is at the age where you have an appearance to maintain she says lol. Last year she was my tee shirt and jeans gal, this year while shopping for school clothes, she informed me that she will be going for the preppy look this year.

Working in the office can be quite interesting. We were bombarded by a few irate parents because the bus did not show up to pick up Little Johnny this morning and therefore they had to get dressed and drive him to school. It just seems that when you are the first person they see upon walking in the door, it is a given that you catch the frustrations they are experiencing. The afternoon will be interesting. Sally Sue will still not have arrived home from the bus an hour after school is out and mom will be frantic. This is just the way it goes during the first week of school. I do not pity the bus driver maneuvering a big yellow hot box that has no air packed with 75 very loud children of various ages, not only trying to find where everyone belongs but at the same time trying to maintain some level of sanity if at all possible.

Oh did I mention the number of students that have no idea how they are even getting home this afternoon? Yep, all ages too. Maybe I am just overprotective but I always work out those wee little details of getting home and such. I must be one of a rare breed.

This time next week all of the craziness will have settled down and some sort of routine will sorted out. By that time the newness of the school year will have worn off for my children and I will begin the battle of dragging them out of bed in the mornings. That is after I manage to roll my own rear end out.

Have a good day ya’ll!!!

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Sun, 06 Aug 2006 05:33:24 GMT

Life tends to throw so many twists and turns our way. We have several choices, we can run from them, learn from them or simply avoid them in hopes that they will disappear.

Things are not any better here. As each day passes I find myself a step closer to the door. He decided to go through the Mr. Nice Guy stage and show me what a kind person he can be blah blah. Well, I look at it like this, you have not wanted to be kind and nurturing in ten years so don't start now. Of course that was all shot out the door when I refused to have sex with him. Ummm hello... am I speaking a language you don't understand?? I do not tell you bye when you leave, I do not say good morning or good night, I do not speak to you at all unless and have to and you want WHAT from me?!?! You are kidding right?

I know what a total . But like I told my oldest dd today. Mom is in an "I don't care" stage. She has seen what I have gone through for years and has lately been saying things like ya know mom, we can go and get an apartment. Now when your 13 year old dd says this, it's time. I am just taking things one step at a time and making sure I can do it right so I don't fall flat on my face.

For so long I have done things he wanted me to. He likes my hair to be blond so I have dyed it some sort of blonde for the past few years. I will admit I too like the blonde but tonight.... I took the plunge to brunette. Out of spite? You bet your sweet ass it is!! Does he hate it? Probably so and that makes me love it even more. I know it sounds childish but hey it made me smile!

I am off to check on everyone! Have an awesome night!!

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Thu, 03 Aug 2006 01:35:40 GMT

How true is this. We never know what tomorrow holds. Each day I seem to be faced with another obstacle but in the end each and every one of them makes me a stronger person.

Monday, July 31, 2006

Mon, 31 Jul 2006 03:07:15 GMT

*EDIT* It is 4:15 a.m and I am not the least bit sleepy. Will someone PLEASE tell my brain to shut down so I can drift happily into lala land?!?!

Not much has changed here. I am still unhappy as ever. I have been spending alot of quiet time to myself trying to sort things out. I did not call my sister. Part of me thinks that if I fall on her it will not help me to stand on my own two feet. I know that I want out, I know that I am unhappy what I am unsure of is the next step I need to take. In some ways I think I need to sort some things out before I up and leave on the other hand I say screw it just get out.

He has tried a few times to be nice and affectionate but it's too little too late. I know that may sound harsh and alot of people will think I should be happy he is trying to do better but, I have been through this so many times and know that his actions are simply a way of temporarily smoothing things over. I have completely shut myself off from him and do not want to be touched in any way.

I know it has to get worse before it can get better and I know the best is yet to come. I would love to say that we can both be adults and go our seperate ways but I do not see that happening with him.

In some of my alone time ( I was home all day yesterday from 6 a.m until 8 p.m and it was completely quiet, no tv, no music) I have thought about the kids and the decisions I am making. I know that in the long run we will all be better off.

Being with him for the past 11 years, I do still have a bit of a soft spot in my heart for him. I hate the thought of him being alone and not having a family to come home to but I also hate the thought of me being unhappy any longer.

How do I know I am making the right choice? I guess there really isnt a way to know. Just jump in feet first and go for it huh?

Monday, July 17, 2006

Mon, 17 Jul 2006 02:08:47 GMT

There comes a fork in the road sometimes and you have to chose to go left or go right. Sometimes we know where the path leads and sometimes we venture into the unknown.

I think I have come to a place in my life where it is time for me to take the path that ventures into the unknown. From the time I was a teenager, I have lived my life for everyone else. After my parents divorced, I lived for my mother, did everything I could to help her pick up and move on. Then I met the man that would become my husband, became pregnant and started our family. For 11 years I have lived to please my family. No matter what it may be I lived for them. That was my role as a wife and mother.

My role as a mother will continue and in the years to come will become the role of grandmother. It has come time for my role as wife to end.I have always been a firm believer that all things happen for a reason. There is a reason for this as well.

A couple of weeks ago I was sad and upset to find out I wasn't pregnant. Of course it was very emotional for me. In the midst of all this I find out that a baby is not what my dh truly wants. This was yet another obstacle thrown into the road of our marriage.

I know that marriage is all about obstacles and it is not a bed of roses. But when your dh tells you to leave he doesnt care or to get a divorce or when you ask him if it is really worth it to stay married and he says no then what are ya supposed to think.

I think the breaking point for me was the other night when I was in bed and told him I needed to talk. He said no not right now I'm tired. I said there is something bothering me that I really need to talk about before I can feel better. His response was "well things bother me every day but I don't talk about them so get over it" Now mind you, this was not a situation where I sit and nag and always want to talk to him about something. I never ever talk to him about my feelings or things that are going on with me. I turn to friends.

This throws up a flag to me and tells me that something is truly wrong with this marriage. I can not do this anymore with him. I do not want to try to make it work. I love him yes, he is the father of my children but I am no longer in love with him.

I told him today to think about and decide what he wants to do with the house. I want out, out of the house, out of the state. I am talking to my sister in Florida tomorrow and gonna have her check on a few things there for me and maybe take a trip down and see if I can sort things out.

I have wanted to relocate for a while and I think this is what I need to do to start over fresh and live for me and my girls.

Am I sad? In some ways I am but after a while I have gotten numb. Sure I have shed tears and more tears about it and the hardest is yet to come. But, I do know this, whatever obstacle I am faced with, I can handle it and become a stronger person because of it.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Tue, 04 Jul 2006 20:10:25 GMT

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!!!

I hope whatever your plans are for the day that it is awesome for you!! We are just hanging out around the house. Possible that we are going to watch the fireworks tonight but it is supposed to rain so we shall see. I would love to go to New York for the fourth one year and watch the fireworks. I bet they are awesome!

I have company that is overstaying her visit. She is not a very nice houseguest at all and seems to like to torture me. Yep Aunt Flo is here. I think she is making up for lost time since it has been a while since I've seen her.

There are some great posts in honor of the fourth out there. I really like the cute pics on Victoria's page and Laura has great fireworks to look at. Those are the only two I have checked out so far so I am off to snoop some more!! Have a great day!

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Sat, 01 Jul 2006 04:59:25 GMT

Well thanks to the brillance of Victoria I have now joined a new blogring. It could not be more perfect. At 5 a.m. this morning I was still wide awake with no zzz's in the near future. I think close to 6 I finally slipped into a slumber. Of course at 9 eyes popped wide open and feet hit the floor. I had a few errands to do so I ran around and got that done. Wasn't really tired head was just kinda cloudy.

This evening I got tired but was determined not to go to sleep. So I decided to enjoy the wonderful eye candy of Matthew McConaughey in the new movie Failure To Launch It was a great movie. Pretty funny.

Soooo here it is 1 a.m and of course I am wide awake grrrrr. I do have sleeping pills to take but they make me so groggy the next day and there is STILL a chance of me being prego.... Yep still haven't had a visit from Aunt Flo. Sometimes I feel like it may be around the corner and others I don't so who the heck knows.... I know most normal people would just take a test and find out but I don't wanna put a jinx on myself.

Ok I am going to try to fall asleep now... if not I will come back and blab some more lol.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Fri, 23 Jun 2006 12:42:44 GMT

Some of you may remember me blogging a while back about my dh finally agreeing to us trying to get pregnant. Well, with our schedules and just general life we have't actually "tried" I mean we have ummm done things but have not paid attention to what time of the month it was for me etc....

As of today, I am 13 days late. I don't know if it can actually be considered late since the month isn't over yet but, I always start on the 10th, sometimes a couple of days before and I haven't yet. I don't even have the usual symptoms. I know I am probably putting a huge jinx on myself by blogging about it but I had to share with someone and what better place than here to all of my 3 readers? lol

The weird part is that I have lost about 5 pounds this past week. So, I dunno.....We will see.

It is a rainy day here today YIppeee. lol We spent the ENTIRE day cleaning yesterday. Ya know the deep cleaning sort of get the live dust off the ceiling fans and such lol. It felt good to get up this morning and not have to worry about it.

Summer has been good so far, almost a month of it is gone for us. We get out way earlier than alot of other people but we also have to go back way earlier so it evens out I suppose.

Has anyone seen The Hills Have Eyes? They advertised it as the scariest movie ever made so of course we ran out and bought it. We hardly ever go to the theater, dh always wants to wait for the dvd to come out. My neighbor watched it at the theater and was like oh yess it is so scary you will love it.

Ummm does Wally World give refunds on movies? It was not scary at all. My oldest dd refuses to watch scary movies because it gives her bad dreams but, she sat there and watch the entire thing. She kept saying this isn't scary, its just gross. We were all a bit disappointed.

Happy Friday!

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Tue, 20 Jun 2006 18:12:44 GMT

I got this one in an email and it was too cute not to pass along.....

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Wed, 07 Jun 2006 19:46:52 GMT

I have been checking in each and every day reading the posts I sub to and some random ones here and there as well. However, I have not updated mine. I am just in a funk. Not much is really going on here which I guess I should be thankful for huh.

I was going to post some pics but stupid me managed to erase every darn pic from my camera. Yep. luckily I had some saved on my computer already but I did lose some. Note to self, then the camera asks me if I wanna format push NO HELL NO!!

Has anyone ever played on http://pogo.com ? It is a really cool game site. Some are free but some require membership. You earn badges and tokens and such. Of course I joined. Just what I need one more distraction to prevent me from doing laundry, dishes and such. But, it is quite fun I must say!

Any fun vacations planned for summer? Anyone, come on speak up, heck I gotta live vicariously through someone.... lol